Author : A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Funny

Total Quotes : 355
Man Memory

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

- Abraham Lincoln

Tea Some

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

- Abraham Lincoln

Would Were

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

- Abraham Lincoln

See Themselves

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

- Abraham Lincoln

Thinking Curse

I have the curse of thinking funny!

- Adam West

Been Made

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

- Al Gore

Responsibility

My primary responsibility is to be funny.

- Al Madrigal

Love Perfect

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

- Alanis Morissette

Common Prejudices

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

- Albert Einstein

Like Red-Hot

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

- Albert Einstein

Turtle Some

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

- Alex Haley

Either Fattening

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

- Alexander Woollcott

Obama

Obama isn't funny.

- Alexandra Petri

Television Brought

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

- Alfred Hitchcock

Love Middle

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.

- Andre Maurois

Improved Vastly

Conversation would be vastly improved by the constant use of four simple words: I do not know.

- Andre Maurois

Actress Frank

My mother was against me being an actress - until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.

- Angie Dickinson

Think Most

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

- Anna Held

Alone Sleep

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

- Anthony Burgess

Dogma Every

Every dogma has its day.

- Anthony Burgess

Simple Fat

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Woman Problem

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

- Arnold Schwarzenegger

Survival Proven

It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.

- Arthur C. Clarke

Income Scale

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

- Arthur C. Clarke

Like Originally

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

- Arthur Conan Doyle

Love Always

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

- Charles Darwin

Everybody Does

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

- Charles Dudley Warner

Been Ever

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.

- Charles Kettering

Next Anybody

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Looks Been

He looks as though he's been weaned on a pickle.

- Alice Roosevelt Longworth

New Going

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.

- Charles M. Schulz

Love I Love

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

- Charles M. Schulz

Need Compliments

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

- Chris Rock

May Spain

What's funny in Italy may not be funny in Spain.

- Christie Hefner

Year Held

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

- Christina Aguilera

More Keep

What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.

- Christopher Fry

Over Getting

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

- Christopher Plummer

Green Year

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

- Claude Pepper

Lightning Marriages

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

- Clint Eastwood

Want Buy

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

- Clint Eastwood

Fact Will

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

- Dave Barry

Four Gravel

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

- Dave Barry

Maine Bar

When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.

- David Brenner

Children Person

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

- David Brenner

Act Talk Show Host

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

- David Letterman

Glass Falling

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

- David Lee Roth

Because

It's funny because it's funny.

- David Spade

Tell Cab

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

- Jimmy Fallon

Wife Slight

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

Thought Kid

I thought I was funny as a kid.

- Jo Brand

Toys Were

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

- Joan Rivers

Diamonds Over

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

- Joan Rivers

Over Six

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

- Joan Rivers

Stranger Never

Never floss with a stranger.

- Joan Rivers

Equal Sixty

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

- Joan Rivers

Week Distrust

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

- Joe E. Lewis

Love Might

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

- Joe E. Lewis

Goal Funny People

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

- Joe Rogan

Worry Grow

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

- Joey Adams

Television Still

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

- Johnny Carson

Behind Barn

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

- Johnny Carson

Race Ranks

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

- Joseph Brodsky

Interesting Follies

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

- Josh Billings

Mistake Lots

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

- Josh Billings

Habit Resting

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

- Jules Renard

Refuse Would

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

- Groucho Marx

Had Perfectly

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

- Groucho Marx

Bicycle Race

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

- H. G. Wells

Enough Majority

As for our majority... one is enough.

- Benjamin Disraeli

Ever Underestimating

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

- H. L. Mencken

See Constant

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

- Benjamin Franklin

Book Another

One man is as good as another until he has written a book.

- Benjamin Jowett

Weird Awkward

Flirting is funny. And it's awkward and weird.

- Hannah Simone

Die Never

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

- Bertrand Russell

Years Been

Women have been funny for years.

- Beth Behrs

Hair Washed

I'd luv to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

- Bette Davis

Optimist Carries

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

- Harold Wilson

Try Just

I don't just try to be funny.

- Bil Keane

Said After

After all is said and done, sit down.

- Bill Copeland

Serious You

Funny is when you're serious.

- Harvey Korman

Smarter Any

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

- Bill Hicks

Disease Now

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

- Bill Maher

Operate Ferocious

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

- Bill Moyers

Stupid Still

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

- Hedy Lamarr

Love Poor

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

- Bill Vaughan

Study Salaries

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

- Bill Vaughan

Reality My Life

Reality continues to ruin my life.

- Bill Watterson

Army Always

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

- Billy Connolly

Tell Ranger

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

- Billy Connolly

Parking Give

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

- Billy Connolly

Sleep Tonight

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

- Henny Youngman

Succeed Skydiving

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

- Henny Youngman

Know Say

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

- Henny Youngman

Possible

If possible, be funny.

- Blake Bailey

Say Something

When I say something funny, I don't laugh.

- Blake Lively

Next Schedule

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

- Henry Kissinger

Love I Love

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

- Bob Hope

Same Make Up

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

- Bob Hope

Remember Ever

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

- Herb Caen

Equal Before

All men are equal before fish.

- Herbert Hoover